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Void Fantasy

by Ada Rook

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1.
[...]that place but there was no where to run to. i know that place is missing a piece of its soul we are old friends, we talk to each other at night i tell her of the feelings that frighten me being a place, she doesn't say much but i don't mind, she listens to every word i want to forget that place (death) i want to forget that place (death) everything (death) everything (death) i want to forget, forget, forget i want to forget that place (death) i want to forget, forget (death) everything/i want to (death) everything/i want to (death) i want to forget, forget, forget death i had a dream about the shape of that place it was the moment i knew that i had to i whisper things to myself in the dark now and that place cannot hear me this feeling, it sticks to the hope that someday it will go but i know (it stays here) and i left i left because i thought i knew she asks me if it's okay her voice is so small and i want to cry so i look away i nod, and she trembles and then everything comes apart before i left i knew that i would be fine someday before i left i was a kind of parasite now i don't know i think i'm a danger to that place so i stay away and that's all i can do.
2.
leave through the front door night time there is less to be scared of now dark hoodie, blank eyes you stare straight ahead so nothing exists except for this feeling of something looming, close too big to process overhead, around impossible, everywhere it pushes your defenses aside your eyes unfocus and this world feels like it's holding onto a piece of you so it won't forget so it won't forget. please it forget, oh god please let it forget if i could start if i could start again i need to disappear disappear i don't understand who i think i am this night is a well with no reflection let me rephrase that i know exactly who i am it's just that i can't seem to if i could start i sink into this looming softness the night receives me but it doesn't tell me anything the air envelopes me the air envelopes me something emerges from the well listen i can hear it in this night i am something more i feel so far away i don't know where i am this place is a shell of what it should be i don't understand
3.
i stood at the edge of that town standing at the water's edge, looking down we camped out in the oil fields i got up at dawn something inside felt wrong i wish i could describe it i need so badly to explain this feeling quiet voice, cold eyes embrace from behind your touch, loose hoodie the house was empty i felt like screaming you asked me what i'd look like if but i said i didn't know i didn't say and you didn't ask but we knew the desert air touched everything the shape of that town a memory of something too big to process too big to know at all i don't know why you held me then the way you did things insignificant to you feel so looming i didn't say and you didn't ask i was so confused by you i didn't say and you didn't ask what that place was doing i didn't say you didn't ask and everything went just as it should have and i didn't ask.
4.
skin sky blood eyes warmth life cold night this is all i want take my skin away no body, no feeling chest open loving gaze breath grin irreversible alterations body screams bleeds heart sings this is all i want take my skin away no control i deserve this body convulsing irreparable change i lie here in tatters i want to be reduced to a passive, ruined state no choices, no function and i will finally feel calm and safe your hands sew together what's left the parts you couldn't replace but you love just the same tell me you love me just the same i awake now, the pain is gone i'm spread across this room and your thoughts i want to be remembered by no one but you take this all of this i'm yours ♡ the wires, the relays my body is now something beautiful and strange no pain or agency i am immobile built into the circuits of this place every month you visit and tell me how good i've been your breath against my face no purpose, just waiting it's everything that i want the pain all stripped away reduce me
5.
what do i have to surrender to be here this place is only whispers this place is barely here this place is all i need reduce me what do i have to surrender to be here what do i have to surrender to be? who do you think i am and why (you'll see) i'll be skin and blood, hanging from the pieces of what you thought i was I FEEL LIKE ENDING i don't understand, but i'm used to it now so this place is all i have i'm not supposed to be here i'm not supposed to be here i'm not supposed to be here i'm not supposed to be here i'm not supposed to be here i'm not supposed to be here i'm not supposed to be here i'm not supposed to be here it hurts like i have no words to explain it doesn't go. it doesn't go away
6.
there is no way to feel this i don't even know the words anymore stop this i don't think that i can make it through this place i don't think that i belong here there are no words for this anymore it feels like imagining a different place you've never been but want to go badly enough to escape who you are it feels like imagining a different place this is not a feeling this is a memory of some place i won't let you in it's too much for this shadow of a place to handle with words alone words alone words words words words useless noises the barrier weakens at the touch of this but it still holds me out i can no no
7.
i'm sick of knowing what i came from i'm sick of all this fear of everything i could've been it warps me it turns me into a haunted object screaming for something 30 by 30 room of wood and glass this is my home i'm kept here in pieces across the floor configurations flashing on the display i see them a million times a day this is how i will spend my life caught in alternate selves the pale light this is how i will spend my days caught somewhere far away i can feel it it always comes back deep in the pit of my stomach it feels like it feels like i'm sick of knowing what i came from i'm sick of all this fear of what i could've been it warps me it turns me into a haunted object screaming for this aching indecision to leave me alone i couldn't tell you when it started i can barely explain it feels like someone else inside my brain get me out they can have it, i don't care i'll find a better place and stay there this is how it ends this is how it's always been i can't remember, i don't know what i mean reduce me i want to be somewhere else something else anything else
8.
i would give all skin i would give all my blood to feel it i would give up the thought of all expression if i could feel your touch tell me i'm nothing hold me down destroy me breathe into my hair that you want to break the skin my veins do whatever you want ♡ i don't think i was clear it's not that simple i want to be replaced look at me like you don't even recall i'm a plaything pinned against your bedroom wall i want to feel confusion i want to be afraid make me tremble before you even touch me at all take me apart damage the pieces keep me alive, but only just make me something better than this (but more than that i just want you to tell me it's okay)
9.
i remember when we i remember when i remember when we when we it feels like something came loose just now slipped into my body and drowned i feel so still and small now i hold back tears but i'm almost fine somehow i remember when we i remember when i remember when we when we
10.
there is only this looming feeling there is only this i don't know what i want to say i don't think i belong here the terror, the terror rots somewhere inside that you can't reach i feel cornered but everyone wants to look away i know that i deserve this. i know that i deserve this. i know that i deserve this. i know that i deserve this. stop i can see the exit clearly now no, i don't mean maybe... i i don't know too many times too many times i feel i'm missing something why do i feel so scared i know that i deserve this. i know that i deserve this. i know that i deserve this. i know that i deserve this. i had a dream that there was a way out
11.
the soul of these streets will not let you go the shape of the sky in this place holds us all down, so hide in corners, make it seem so cold the conversation here is like heavy snow NO THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME I WILL RUN sometimes, i wonder if you die here what do they say about you? it's not so bad from the outside but i've been there "she's just shy, this place is just fine" NO THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME I WILL RUN THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME I WILL RUN this is a prayer to all that we could've been if we had the chance if we knew it it's in the distance it's in the fear of it this town is nothing this world is slow patient death but i won't die here NO THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME I WILL RUN THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME I WILL RUN but there was nowhere to run to.
12.
i remember the days before i lived here i don't have the words to tell you what it's like i just keep clawing my way back never you won't understand this i won't let you in you won't understand this i won't let you in i am this place in my mind i can see it clearly i can hear the waves inside something death her veins are corridors this place is only lonely my veins are all so filled with the memory of the world a different world you won't understand this i won't let you in it comes in waves like the ocean it makes me feel like i want to die you won't understand this i won't let you in you won't understand this i won't let you in
13.
don't stare at the ocean don't stare at the sky don't stare at the space between everything here is made of painful light i heard a song with a name like a wounded bird broken pieces, shattered body too far gone too much hurt the walls are blank and i'm trying to tear the horizon apart they said to look away but i don't mind if it destroys me someday don't look at anything at all

about

written/recorded throughout june 2016

support me on patreon so i can keep paying rent and making music:
www.patreon.com/AdaRook

thank you ♡

credits

released November 20, 2016

all things by rook
#11 rearranged/remixed + chorus vocals recorded nov 2016

thanks OLIVIA HEAT DEATH for cover art asst ♡

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Ada Rook Toronto, Ontario

im rook from black dresses

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