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2​,​020 Knives

by Ada Rook

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1.
I'm sorry I tried so hard to be good I don't know what I keep doing wrong I just want to be loved and feel safe enough to love I don't know what else I could want But things are never that simple they just keep getting out of hand I still think that deep inside I'm hollow but at least i finally understand Motherfucker Yeah I'm so damaged I'm so weak and fucked up I'm everything you want project your terror onto me I can take it but you're wrong about me you're wrong I promise I'll keep it together I want to show you that I can I still think that deep inside I'm broken but I want to be proud of who I am
2.
The town the misremembered streets my eyes don't see the fiction that my soul is feeding me need, decay I dream of somewhere safe where I can decompose and hide my other self away Fear is all we can keep restrained in the pressure of reality everything is displaced seal it away and just try to make it through but the air burns away in the heat of the verisimilitude Burn everything burn everything burn everything I am away everything I am must die here This is my time to destroy what I am or I'm going under every brand new day is another new chance to become that other girl and the dreams that I have are lost in a stab of rolling thunder and I'm going under somehow every day I lose it all This is my time and it's all that I have but I'm losing focus every brand new day is another new scab but I just can't show it and the fears that I am are the things that last and the wires that choke us can they hold us hold us? Am I going under? Do we know what we can become? The years we spent in purgatory staring at the sun is this all we have? Will we ever know ourselves? We can not go back Burn everything burn everything burn everything I am away everything I am must die here This is my time to destroy what I am or I'm going under every brand new day is another new chance to become that other girl and the dreams that I have are lost in a stab of rolling thunder and I'm going under somehow every day I lose it all Can you lie? Can you look behind my eyes tell me everything is fine? we have all the time in the world to make things right This is my time and it's all that I have but I'm losing focus every brand new day is another new scab but I just can't show it and the fears that I am are the things that last and the wires that choke us can they hold us hold us? Am I going under? Every day I just keep falling Am I going under? Every day every day I'm going under Life underneath the waves.
3.
I don't know if it's worth it but I've been thinking is there a way to pretend? If only I'd been able to keep it together maybe we could start again This recursive stupid shallow pain but I'm still so afraid all those years just spent running away look, I'm fucking tired, okay? Do you remember? Do you remember that day? Do you remember? Do you remember that day? Was there a time I was free? Is this all I can be? this worthless terror in me all that's left of my identity is there something that I am that won't slip through my hands? I'm clear and fragile as glass conduit all I am I don't know if I miss you but I've been thinking what if those years made sense? I don't think it's your fault not really, well, maybe It's so hard to tell what I should resent if I could fill in all the holes would I know what is right? I wish that I could let you go I wish I didn't dream of you at night Do you remember? Do you remember that day? Do you remember? Do you remember that day? I wish that you could be a light in my life I wish that I could let you set things right Was there a time I was free? Is this all I can be? this worthless terror in me all that's left of my identity is there something that I am that won't slip through my hands? I'm clear and fragile as glass conduit all I am
4.
In every word In every breath In everything she denies a living need She's so afraid fears every day but deep inside anachronistic safety carries her away Please don't hurt me anymore Please don't hurt me anymore Please don't hurt me anymore Please don't hurt me anymore She's broken by her world but she's still breathing a desperate hope for something better shines in her hollow eyes and deep inside she keeps a guarded comfort a life where she grew up the normal girl she longs to be She hides inside her timid mind damaged and isolated from commiseration with her fantasies And in the night she curls tight withdraws into reverie: a dream of escape from this hell Please protect me from this world Please protect me from this world Please protect me from this world I am just a frightened girl She's broken by her world but she's still breathing a desperate hope for something better shines in her hollow eyes and deep inside she keeps a guarded comfort a life where she grew up the normal girl she longs to be Hold me, comfort me tell me that you'll be there love me, keep me safe protect me from this nightmare Hold me, comfort me tell me that you'll be there love me, keep me safe protect me from this nightmare
5.
I stand perfectly still dare not to move oh please let me become see-through crowd moving like a predator oh please god I don't need to be here Please tell me what to do I can't move I'm paralyzed I don't belong here on my own this world always so unfamiliar I don't know what I can be to finally prove that I am not afraid I just want to run away I want so bad to feel free radiant and strong to finally know myself and truly belong but I just feel so sick and scared and small I'm terrified that I'll never feel safe at all I'm paralyzed I don't belong here on my own this world always so unfamiliar I don't know what I can be to finally prove that I am not afraid I just want to run away I'm paralyzed I don't belong here on my own this world always so unfamiliar I don't know what I can be to finally prove that I am not afraid I just want to run away run away run away
6.
How did we get here? Lost kids just trying to survive would we still be here if we couldn't see the hurt in each other's eyes? Could we be anything else if we never went through hell? Does it define us? Would it bring us together in another life? As it slowly fades away the dream consumes my mind was there any other way? Could I ever step aside? I stand beside all of this looking in from outside I just want us to survive I just want us to survive.
7.
2,020 Knives 04:12
As a child I cried myself to sleep at night was a brief escape no idea why I felt so torn away from the lives around me couldn't understand what they wanted from me I felt so alone This world is all I know but it is not my home. I don't belong in this world is there another way I don't belong in this world I tried so hard to stay I don't belong in this world can you understand? I don't belong in this world I don't know what I am Secretly I dreamt of a place far away every time that I woke I could feel the hole in me and I tried to keep it contained pleading for comfort that would stay I woke from a dream of somewhere that made sense no words for it just static in my head (Everything burnt blue around me) I know (held aloft by voltage coursing) there was (then I knew that there'd been a mistake) hope (I'm not supposed to be here) some kind (I was laughing when you found me) of home (tore away the veil from something) where is (why do I remember this?) home? (This can't be right...) I don't belong in this world is there another way I don't belong in this world I tried so hard to stay I don't belong in this world can you understand? I don't belong in this world I don't know what I am I don't belong here I don't belong let me go let me go let me go let me go Let me go
8.
2,020 Hands 02:45
I don't know who you are but you've left your names and you've left scars I know exactly what you came here hoping for you think it's yours but I don't have it in me anymore Yes we know your name yes we know your name you're not afraid of us just where'd you get that kind of trust? We know I know you're one of us I'm not so sure All that matters is how it made me feel All that matters is how it made me feel Stop. You think you know what I won't do? Listen: It's not up to you. Do you even know why I'm still here? Say it I'm all ears It's got nothing It's got nothing It's got nothing to do with you Yes we know your name yes motherfucker we know your name you're not afraid of us just where'd you get that kind of trust? We know I know it hurts
9.
(Unknown)
10.
With the past in our eyes we moved through the world erasing the shapes of memory pulling apart the flesh reshaping our bones diluting our blood with each other's From the inside it seemed like we could remain there and let our bodies drown but we pushed it away it all became vapor our defenses let us down And the woods were ablaze the sky was a scathing sheet of cold intention, I couldn't look away from everything we had set in motion on that day When we removed the skin from what we'd become the sinew and bones were rotting something missing inside that could have sustained the chemical state of knowing From the outside it seemed like we could move forward and gently fade away but the memory stuck the veins became tangled and the blood inside turned grey And the woods were ablaze the sky was a scathing sheet of cold intention, I couldn't look away from everything we had set in motion on that day In another world machinery of deception rusted and decayed in another time the motions of our undoing wrote what we became
11.
I just want this to end I just want to get you out of my head. Why did you have to complicate your love? Why did you have to help me so much? Did you know? Be honest or were you just that clueless? Is it real or histrionic? Oh my god I feel so stupid did you know that I felt like I'd died around you? I hate myself so much for what you did I hate myself so much for writing this I don't want to hurt you I'm so scared of blaming all this on you Truth be told, I don't really believe myself at all I'm just a dramatic bitch making you take the fall Did you know? Be honest or were you just that clueless? Is it real or histrionic? Oh my god I feel so stupid I just want to write anything else oh god I fucking hate myself I don't believe myself but it still hurts.
12.
Did this place exist? Was it there at all? There was a dream so real that I just can't recall there's something in the trees it takes shape late at night I can see it clear as day in the reflection of my eyes I don't know what I am I don't really want to know when it looks at me I want to kill it slow Can you read to me the story of when things made more sense? Something's stopping me something's stopping me from getting outside my head this is dangerous this feels like a bad dream can you wake me please? Can you wake me please? Can you wake me please?
13.
Everything you dream of can come true In another world it's all on you the injuries sustained all fade away your soul turns grey everything's okay. The skin what's underneath? This isn't me I can't breathe Some days it's almost transparent some days it's six feet of cement I make up words to get it right and wake up crying in the middle of the night The skin what's underneath? This isn't me I can't breathe
14.
She was only a girl you could have been anything to her I know you understand me. feathers in the breeze a life in pieces on the bedroom floor every step she takes every thought that breaks "Why do I hate myself?" And in the night time escape trust another life If only... I know that you're so scared I know you've got nowhere to feel like you belong and I know you feel so all alone but I'm waiting for you I know that you're so scared I know you've got nowhere to feel like you belong and I know you feel so all alone but I'm waiting for you. She will not remember the days that you tried so hard for her though she wishes every day she could believe in you like a mold in her brain the feeling keeps her away from all she needs so badly Years later, she cries at nothing on the train into the city only the sight of another daughter smiling unafraid without the holes in her brain If only If only... You don't understand this can't be shed this can't be molted or separated from blood it's in this house it's like air it's like skin it's everywhere I know that you're so scared I know you've got nowhere to feel like you belong and I know you feel so all alone but I'm waiting for you I know that you're so scared I know you've got nowhere to feel like you belong and I know you feel so all alone but I'm waiting for you I know that you're so scared I know you've got nowhere to feel like you belong and I know you feel so all alone but I'm waiting for you. But there's no way to get this message through time every day she dies a little more inside and I sit here waiting for the guilt to die I wish I could tell myself someday she'd make it out
15.
September just wanting it to end remember the way you watched me when I said I could never be what you expected I'd rather be dead September losing friends You used to say I had to figure out my own truth I could never see it through but when I got home from the hospital I knew exactly what to do Forever best friends just like we always said frightened girls just trying to live life outside their heads but then your patience wore too thin and I could not pretend by November we never spoke again. When we met I'd already given up shitty punk and black label as if it was enough caught in the uncertainty of blood confusing gentleness at last with love Together we'd make it out alive, we said beacons shining bright across the internet plans were tentatively made but there were rifts we couldn't mend ever wondering if we could last as friends Moving twice a year and never looking back wondering if this is all I'll ever have counting change for food and thinking day by day tried to cross the border to see you but got turned away I think about the way we caused each other so much pain and my obsession with always needing an escape but even when things got so bad I thought I'd run away there was a comfort knowing things would never be the same.
16.
If I could become a stranger to this place once again I would hide between the years and live there but in the present day the entropy remains every time I find a home I just want to run away [...] The way the sun hits the corners of my room it reminds me of a dream I had of a world where i was still afraid but where I also belonged deep in the sunlit cracks in the pavement sometimes, late at night I look up the names of the things that were done to me and I try to imagine them slithering through my blood coiled around my DNA And on the bus to somewhere else I felt like a wasted stray run away forget it all again and disappear aching longing for a lifetime from someone else's mind can I be someone else and I leave this all behind? The cold Vancouver rain I don't know who to blame for the hole that i feel inside my brain is there a way to feel like I can be something more than this a rusted-out carcass of the dreams that I still remember take me back I want to know what safety feels like I was supposed to be a person I was supposed to be a fucking person they asked me what I wanted to be but I didn't know I couldn't know they made me forget I still don't know sometimes I feel like a wasp egg parasitizing a beautiful insect hatching into a fungus, a rare bird, a silk thread that reaches all the way up into the sky There's nothing here for me and I just keep staring at the sky I hate everything I am oh god please let me die I remember feeling something like hope before the end I want to start again... Why does everyone feel so far away? I don't understand what I am anymore. And in the light I can see myself in a different life ******* ** *** **** It was so long ago it was so long ago... it was so long ago
17.
(katie) i'll find my hope in starting over build my heart from little bits of rubble stay with me in everlasting silence someday i'll find my four leaf clover maybe i'm most comfortable in struggle all the world to come is stuck inside us (rook) we're made of broken wires and rusted armor we've fallen many times but still hold together and though we never knew who we could have been we use what we have to get by and help each other survive fragments of a world forgotten grown over in our souls all these walls that still confine us the distance and the cold touch of knowing the reasons that we're close will they forever define us? can we help each other grow? a clover sprouting through the snow we're made of broken wires and rusted armor we've fallen many times but still hold together and though we never knew who we could have been we use what we have to get by and help each other survive we're made of broken wires and rusted armor we've fallen many times but still hold together and though we never knew what we could have been we use what we have to get by and help each other survive
18.
An Ocean 03:46
Another day, it hasn't changed no matter how close I get I still feel so far away I try to be brave, try to stay another night, it hasn't changed but I keep it contained This is an an ocean this moment an ocean everything we worked so hard for we bled out our hearts for Another song, it still hurts I can't tell if it's helping or making it worse at first, I thought I knew myself but it's so hard to tell there's no easy way out of hell This is an an ocean this moment an ocean everything we worked so hard for we bled out our hearts for This is an ocean of dead time This is an an ocean this moment an ocean everything we worked so hard for we bled out our hearts for Is this all we deserve? Is this all we deserve? All we deserve... Is this all? Is this all? Is this all we deserve? This moment, this moment, this moment, an ocean

about

MUSIC VIDEOS

Tortured Bitch
by Vera Drew
www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyz8zd9SVAw

Reverie [JH Ligation Experiment 1]
www.youtube.com/watch?v=gI9x4SsG1NM

(Lost Kids) The Juvenile Hormone. I. Endocrine Activity of the Corpora Allata of the Adult Cecropia Silkworm
by Maddison Morgenstern (Dataerase)
youtu.be/FOMt1GQWfEM

(From a Different World) The Juvenile Hormone. II. Its Role in the Endocrine Control of Molting, Pupation, and Adult Development in the Cecropia Silkworm
by Maddison Morgenstern (Dataerase)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_tXDYSqM7Q

2,020 Hands
by Julian Shine
www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HCcBVe7rY8

September (***e* **** *a***m* Chambers **** ????) - Distance Holding World Together
www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJo4pagIpM

Someday (Dear *******) - World Doesn't Come Apart
by Remy Boydell
www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP6t7sJIQMg

credits

released May 31, 2020

Cover art by HARTLOWE

"Black Cloud in the Sky? [NO SPOILERS]" written and produced by The Oracle. Lyrics, mixing, and additional production by Ada Rook.
The Oracle are some of the best professional songwriters/producers currently working, please check out their work and hire them:
soundcloud.com/the_oracle_music
twitter.com/_Oracle_Music

"broken wires" co-written and co-produced by katie dey.
katiedey.bandcamp.com
twitter.com/katie_dey

"An Ocean" recorded and produced by So Drove of The Oracle in Los Angeles, California. Gang vocals by The Oracle. Mixing and additional production by Ada Rook.
sodrove.bandcamp.com
twitter.com/SoDrove

My patreon:
www.patreon.com/AdaRook

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Ada Rook Toronto, Ontario

im rook from black dresses

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