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shed blood

by Ada Rook

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1.
faraway 01:18
by the time you hear this i'll be somewhere far away i'd rather not say it at all but these memories have to burn they are the fuel that will get me home the words i will use to summon them are not sacred, or cherished they are parts of me that have seized up and died i have no sympathy i have no admiration, respect for my own dead stories but they have to leave my body somehow as i have to leave the blood and decay it's all around me, it's in my lungs i've breathed it all my life without knowing, without showing it without any knowledge at all of what it meant to feel to feel to feel alive
2.
sardonica 03:27
***I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR: A GIRL DIED HERE*** though you won't remember it you are a cannibal, you murder indirectly and you shine bright you are the reason we live in fear down here where no one can save our lives we cross a line you know you kill she has nobody and now you have destroyed her you leave her suicidal so she cannot "ruin lives" we only want to survive she has nobody and now you have destroyed her she's never coming back you keep her trapped in fear she's gone away from here though her body hasn't left yet she lives inside the death she's carried with her this far but things don't end here this is a cycle that will not break and you refuse to observe its shape i want to heal so you want to kill me my soul is flawless and pure can you still tell who i am? you're one of us now.
3.
deep fantasy 04:11
i put myself out in the open for you to take i dream of someone ripping my whole self away i disregard the precautions, i want to break it feels so fucking good to resign myself, i'm prey i am not something that survives in this broken world my soul is dead behind my eyes a damaged hollow girl this night is final and serene i want to be noticed, maliciously seen i feel a shadow behind me, i feel so frail i want to try to get away and i want to fail i am not something that survives in this broken world my soul is dead behind my eyes a damaged hollow girl i've told you everything this place is not my home i want to be somebody else i want a brand new soul i'm not myself i want to kill the parts of me that cause pain i see the lurking disgust hidden in your face i am not something that survives in this broken world my soul is dead behind my eyes a damaged hollow girl i've told you everything this place is not my home i want to be somebody else i want a brand new soul
4.
i felt the colors of the death that i held in me i thought of you and knew that i had to die to help you all of the healing and recovery gone, not real the future disappeared and i couldn't breathe, kill me please i was a rotten contagious thing leeching out your life necrotic, blackened, decaying, drawn out by your kindness you shouldn't love me i was a puncture wound in your perfect world i was everything that ever caused you hurt i was a rotten contagious thing leeching out your life necrotic, blackened, decaying, drawn out by your kindness i was a sickness that couldn't die though i needed to immortal hollow abyss of festering malady you shouldn't love me but here we are
5.
moth 04:28
and in the daylight i collapsed in the distance between what i knew and what i knew had passed i felt the blood and the skin upon the backs of my hands i couldn't see them as my own and i lay in the cold let go i think about those years time spent in fear i'm glad that you're not here i wanna make that clear who did you think you were to me? a pleasant memory? can't you see you ruined me and in the evening i'm alone where is home? it's really not that bad given what i had but the feeling hasn't gone away and to this day i don't quite understand why it felt so bad i can count the ways that i know why it felt like hell but i always feel like i'm alone a feeble misconstructed histrionic shell i cannot remember all those years they're not here somewhere locked away who's to say what you meant when you touched me i can barely hold that memory without feeling guilt consume me but i guess i was lucky that you wanted me to be somebody and maybe you were just lonely i'll never know i'll never know. i think about those years a life spent in fear i'm glad that you're not here look, i wanna make that clear who did you think you were to me? a pleasant memory? can't you see? you ruined me i think about those years time spent in fear you're not here.
6.
it's an experiment for me to test the inside of my head distances that i can see it's so easy to be dead i'm so dead dead it's all i ever seem to be when we're alone and i'm in here distances where i can be somewhere far away but here i'm so near here near here
7.
broken grace 03:48
my body's made of spaces that i can't fill with memories the rotting sectioned off and quarantined from what i need to be i'm moving faster now than i can ever recall and i can barely see i need to get away, i need to get away as long as you can remember me i've become something that you resent but you don't know it yet i am a creature made of bile and regret i am a dying wish, i am a bleeding fist i am my own bad dreams that you put in my head i've become what you resent, but you don't know what it is i am a creature made of everything you did i am a self-made half-alive specter of the spark of life you tried to kill but couldn't my thoughts are made of spaces that i can't fill with who i am the deafening and repetitive interruptions of those years keep coming back the only thing i can use is my momentum to break through to what i need forget the present, let dissociation save me from this dead reality i'm made of what you never told me was wrong so i never believed that there was anything genuinely wrong with me i cannot tell you my name, i cannot show you my face i wanna burn the memory of me right out of your brain i don't know what i am i always wondered what i'd feel in the end i can become what i fear the most stuck in what i couldn't become, trapped by what i know you make me feel like there's no hope when i'm around you i am all alone and nothing will ever change if i don't run away i've become what you resent but you don't know it yet i am a creature made of bile and regret i am a dying wish, i am a bleeding fist i am my own bad dreams that you put in my head i've become what you resent but you don't know what it is i am a creature made of everything you did i am a self-made half-alive specter of the spark of life you tried to kill but couldn't i'm alive in your world i'm a broken little girl i am everything i need stay away from me.
8.
716 03:44
i wanna be something i'm not i wanna pretend i forgot how to be good to you but i was there the whole time i didn't even lose my mind i miss you so fucking much but there's nothing to be done i miss you so fucking much there's nothing i could ever say i didn't deserve you all i ever did was hurt you but i still miss you i still feel so fucked up and things are better now but i still feel like i am lost somehow and we can never speak again but i know there is nothing to be said i've hurt you quite enough and out of all my old regrets the one that hurts the most is what i said to you when you were drowning because of me it wasn't your fault it wasn't your fault it wasn't your fault.
9.
decayer 04:09
safety death safety decay closing i feel misconstructed today i remember nothing and it's beautiful the pieces shine and i can't see anything I CAN'T SEE BUT I CAN FEEL YOU I CAN'T SEE BUT I CAN FEEL YOU ALL AROUND ME oh god i missed this feeling has it been so long? it feels like years ago since i've been here i'm awake, floating here and i know this is not the truth i cannot see anything but i know you're out there sickening i was just a child i feel the damage from those haunted years can you see me? can you see my shadow? can you even see what you did to me? if i could be myself I CAN'T SEE if i could stop myself BUT I CAN FEEL YOU if i could leave myself I CAN'T SEE if i could kill myself BUT I CAN FEEL YOU ALL AROUND ME safety death.
10.
i can be anything that you would need me to be just say the word and i will break myself trying is it so wrong to want a sense of security? i would give up everything to see myself clearly i can be anything i want but i don't know who i am i can be anything i want
11.
void fantasy 04:13
at the end of this i hope something falls away you'll forget everything you saw here today today, i know i know who i was meant to be before she died here cold blood, cold heart, cold everything a life flickering i want to get out i need to get out of here i am not something that survives in my fantasies but in this place i am alive though it hurts to be my soul is dim, my mind is burnt my body functions desperately i want to be somebody else but i want you to know me i want to get out i need to get out of here i am not something that survives in my fantasies but in this place i am alive though it hurts to be my soul is dim, my mind is burnt my body functions desperately i want to be somebody else but i want you to know me
12.
thirteen 04:48
THERE'S NO SELF there's no perfect answer THERE'S NO LIGHT there is only the cold THERE'S NO OTHER WAY THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING IN MY MIND obsession with the soul THERE IS NOTHING HERE INSIDE ME THERE IS ONLY WHAT I LEFT BEHIND I AM HOLLOW i used to burn at the sight of you a cinder crumbling in your gaze but then i greyed and scattered years of living with what didn't change it's all i can do to force the air out of my throat and into shapes drawn in the sand of what i know to ensure it doesn't fade THERE IS NOTHING HERE INSIDE ME THERE IS ONLY WHAT I LEFT BEHIND I AM HOLLOW i want this feeling to die i want out of here belief in safety is lost and there is only fear I WAS JUST A CHILD BUT I REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID TO ME.
13.
i hope one day you'll forgive me i'm so disgusted by the way i treated you and all this angst and practiced whimsy doesn't change the fact that you're a person too i wanna say what happened was the end result of being sick and scared but that isn't fair i'd be lying if i told you i just tried my best cause that's a fucking dirty lie i dug a hole and pushed you in and left you there i'm sorry i fucked up i killed all of your trust i'm sorry i'm weak and scared and you don't owe me anything. it's true that i still miss you it's true that i can never say i've changed without being vain and if you ever hear this i just hope that you're still dreaming oh there's nothing i can say to make it better i just hope that you're okay i'm sorry for this i need to feel this there is nothing left to do there is nothing left to say except: i miss you. i'm sorry i fucked up i killed all of your trust i'm sorry i'm weak and scared and you don't owe me anything.

about

this album is about t***** and how it can hurt and be used to hurt others. it is about not knowing how to use the word family or if you want to use it at all. it is about trashgirls living on the edge of society being mobbed for the crime of attempted survival. this album is about girls in trouble. it is about blood.

credits

released July 2, 2018

cover drawing by Sloane Leong - sloanesloane.com - @sloanesloane

cover design/layout by rook

track 3 "deep fantasy" co-produced by Devi McCallion - blacksquares.bandcamp.com - @dei_genetrix

track 6 "im so near here" originally written & performed by Eric's Trip

support me on patreon so i can keep paying rent and making music! if you pledge $5 or more, you'll have access to this album as well as all my other albums for free:
www.patreon.com/AdaRook

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Ada Rook Toronto, Ontario

im rook from black dresses

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