1. |
Tortured Bitch
02:37
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I'm sorry
I tried so hard to be good
I don't know what I keep doing wrong
I just want to be loved
and feel safe enough to love
I don't know what else I could want
But things are never that simple
they just keep getting out of hand
I still think that deep inside I'm hollow
but at least i finally understand
Motherfucker
Yeah I'm so damaged
I'm so weak and fucked up
I'm everything you want
project your terror onto me
I can take it
but you're wrong about me
you're wrong
I promise I'll keep it together
I want to show you that I can
I still think that deep inside I'm broken
but I want to be proud of who I am
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2. |
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The town
the misremembered streets
my eyes don't see the fiction
that my soul is feeding me
need, decay
I dream of somewhere safe
where I can decompose
and hide my other self away
Fear is all
we can keep restrained
in the pressure of reality
everything is displaced
seal it away
and just try to make it through
but the air burns away
in the heat of the verisimilitude
Burn everything
burn everything
burn everything I am away
everything I am must die here
This is my time
to destroy what I am
or I'm going under
every brand new day
is another new chance
to become that other girl
and the dreams that I have
are lost in a stab
of rolling thunder
and I'm going under
somehow every day I lose it all
This is my time
and it's all that I have
but I'm losing focus
every brand new day
is another new scab
but I just can't show it
and the fears that I am
are the things that last
and the wires that choke us
can they hold us hold us?
Am I going under?
Do we know
what we can become?
The years we spent in purgatory
staring at the sun
is this all we have?
Will we ever know ourselves?
We can not go back
Burn everything
burn everything
burn everything I am away
everything I am
must die here
This is my time
to destroy what I am
or I'm going under
every brand new day
is another new chance
to become that other girl
and the dreams that I have
are lost in a stab
of rolling thunder
and I'm going under
somehow every day I lose it all
Can you lie?
Can you look behind my eyes
tell me everything is fine?
we have all the time in the world
to make things right
This is my time
and it's all that I have
but I'm losing focus
every brand new day
is another new scab
but I just can't show it
and the fears that I am
are the things that last
and the wires that choke us
can they hold us hold us?
Am I going under?
Every day I just keep falling
Am I going under?
Every day
every day
I'm going under
Life underneath the waves.
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3. |
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I don't know if it's worth it
but I've been thinking
is there a way to pretend?
If only I'd been able to keep it together
maybe we could start again
This recursive stupid shallow pain
but I'm still so afraid
all those years just spent running away
look, I'm fucking tired, okay?
Do you remember?
Do you remember that day?
Do you remember?
Do you remember that day?
Was there a time I was free?
Is this all I can be?
this worthless terror in me
all that's left of my identity
is there something that I am
that won't slip through my hands?
I'm clear and fragile as glass
conduit all I am
I don't know if I miss you
but I've been thinking
what if those years made sense?
I don't think it's your fault
not really, well, maybe
It's so hard to tell what I should resent
if I could fill in all the holes
would I know what is right?
I wish that I could let you go
I wish I didn't dream of you at night
Do you remember?
Do you remember that day?
Do you remember?
Do you remember that day?
I wish that you could be a light in my life
I wish that I could let you set things right
Was there a time I was free?
Is this all I can be?
this worthless terror in me
all that's left of my identity
is there something that I am
that won't slip through my hands?
I'm clear and fragile as glass
conduit all I am
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4. |
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In every word
In every breath
In everything she denies
a living need
She's so afraid
fears every day
but deep inside
anachronistic safety
carries her away
Please don't hurt me anymore
Please don't hurt me anymore
Please don't hurt me anymore
Please don't hurt me anymore
She's broken by her world
but she's still breathing
a desperate hope for something better
shines in her hollow eyes
and deep inside she keeps
a guarded comfort
a life where she grew up
the normal girl she longs to be
She hides inside
her timid mind
damaged and isolated
from commiseration
with her fantasies
And in the night
she curls tight
withdraws into
reverie:
a dream of escape from this hell
Please protect me from this world
Please protect me from this world
Please protect me from this world
I am just a frightened girl
She's broken by her world
but she's still breathing
a desperate hope for something better
shines in her hollow eyes
and deep inside she keeps
a guarded comfort
a life where she grew up
the normal girl she longs to be
Hold me, comfort me
tell me that you'll be there
love me, keep me safe
protect me from this nightmare
Hold me, comfort me
tell me that you'll be there
love me, keep me safe
protect me from this nightmare
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5. |
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I stand perfectly still
dare not to move
oh please let me
become see-through
crowd moving like a predator
oh please god
I don't need to be here
Please tell me what to do
I can't move
I'm paralyzed
I don't belong here
on my own
this world always so unfamiliar
I don't know
what I can be to finally prove
that I am not afraid
I just want to run away
I want so bad to feel free
radiant and strong
to finally know myself
and truly belong
but I just feel so sick
and scared
and small
I'm terrified
that I'll never feel safe at all
I'm paralyzed
I don't belong here
on my own
this world always so unfamiliar
I don't know
what I can be to finally prove
that I am not afraid
I just want to run away
I'm paralyzed
I don't belong here
on my own
this world always so unfamiliar
I don't know
what I can be to finally prove
that I am not afraid
I just want to run away
run away
run away
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6. |
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How did we get here?
Lost kids just trying to survive
would we still be here
if we couldn't see the hurt
in each other's eyes?
Could we be anything else
if we never went through hell?
Does it define us?
Would it bring us together
in another life?
As it slowly fades away
the dream consumes my mind
was there any other way?
Could I ever step aside?
I stand beside all of this
looking in from outside
I just want us to survive
I just want us to survive.
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7. |
2,020 Knives
04:12
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As a child
I cried myself to sleep at
night was a brief escape
no idea why I felt so
torn away from the lives around me
couldn't understand what they wanted
from me
I felt so alone
This world is all I know
but it is not my home.
I don't belong in this world
is there another way
I don't belong in this world
I tried so hard to stay
I don't belong in this world
can you understand?
I don't belong in this world
I don't know what I am
Secretly
I dreamt of a place far away
every time that I woke
I could feel the hole in me
and I tried to keep it contained
pleading for comfort that would stay
I woke from a dream
of somewhere that made sense
no words for it
just static in my head
(Everything burnt blue around me)
I know
(held aloft by voltage coursing)
there was
(then I knew that there'd been a mistake)
hope
(I'm not supposed to be here)
some kind
(I was laughing when you found me)
of home
(tore away the veil from something)
where is
(why do I remember this?)
home?
(This can't be right...)
I don't belong in this world
is there another way
I don't belong in this world
I tried so hard to stay
I don't belong in this world
can you understand?
I don't belong in this world
I don't know what I am
I don't belong here
I don't belong
let me go
let me go
let me go
let me go
Let me go
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8. |
2,020 Hands
02:45
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I don't know who you are
but you've left your names
and you've left scars
I know exactly what you
came here hoping for
you think it's yours
but I don't have it in me
anymore
Yes
we know your name
yes
we know your name
you're not afraid of us
just where'd you get that kind of trust?
We know
I know
you're one of us
I'm not so sure
All that matters is how it made me feel
All that matters is how it made me feel
Stop.
You think you know what I won't do?
Listen: It's not up to you.
Do you even know why I'm still here?
Say it
I'm all ears
It's got nothing
It's got nothing
It's got nothing
to do
with you
Yes
we know your name
yes motherfucker
we know your name
you're not afraid of us
just where'd you get that kind of trust?
We know
I know
it hurts
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9. |
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(Unknown)
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10. |
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With the past in our eyes
we moved through the world
erasing the shapes
of memory
pulling apart the flesh
reshaping our bones
diluting our blood
with each other's
From the inside it seemed
like we could remain there
and let our bodies drown
but we pushed it away
it all became vapor
our defenses let us down
And the woods were ablaze
the sky was a scathing sheet
of cold intention, I
couldn't look away
from everything we had
set in motion on that day
When we removed the skin
from what we'd become
the sinew and bones
were rotting
something missing inside
that could have sustained
the chemical state
of knowing
From the outside it seemed
like we could move forward
and gently fade away
but the memory stuck
the veins became tangled
and the blood inside turned grey
And the woods were ablaze
the sky was a scathing sheet
of cold intention, I
couldn't look away
from everything we had
set in motion on that day
In another world
machinery of deception
rusted and decayed
in another time
the motions of our undoing
wrote what we became
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11. |
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I just want this to end
I just want to get you
out of my head.
Why did you have to
complicate your love?
Why did you have to
help me so much?
Did you know?
Be honest
or were you
just that clueless?
Is it real or histrionic?
Oh my god I feel so stupid
did you know that I felt
like I'd died around you?
I hate myself so much
for what you did
I hate myself so much
for writing this
I don't want to hurt you
I'm so scared of
blaming all this on you
Truth be told,
I don't really believe myself at all
I'm just a dramatic bitch
making you take the fall
Did you know?
Be honest
or were you
just that clueless?
Is it real or histrionic?
Oh my god I feel so stupid
I just want to write anything else
oh god I fucking hate myself
I don't believe myself
but it still hurts.
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12. |
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Did this place exist?
Was it there at all?
There was a dream so real
that I just can't recall
there's something in the trees
it takes shape late at night
I can see it clear as day
in the reflection of my eyes
I don't know what I am
I don't really want to know
when it looks at me
I want to kill it slow
Can you read to me
the story of when things
made more sense?
Something's stopping me
something's stopping me
from getting outside my head
this is dangerous
this feels like a bad dream
can you wake me please?
Can you wake me please?
Can you wake me please?
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13. |
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Everything you dream of can come true
In another world it's all on you
the injuries sustained all fade away
your soul turns grey
everything's okay.
The skin
what's underneath?
This isn't me
I can't breathe
Some days it's almost transparent
some days it's six feet of cement
I make up words to get it right
and wake up crying
in the middle of the night
The skin
what's underneath?
This isn't me
I can't breathe
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14. |
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She was only a girl
you could have been anything to her
I know you understand me.
feathers in the breeze
a life in pieces on the bedroom floor
every step she takes
every thought that breaks
"Why do I hate myself?"
And in the night time
escape
trust
another life
If only...
I know that you're so scared
I know you've got nowhere
to feel like you belong
and I know you feel so all alone
but I'm waiting for you
I know that you're so scared
I know you've got nowhere
to feel like you belong
and I know you feel so all alone
but I'm waiting for you.
She will not remember the days
that you tried so hard for her
though she wishes every day
she could believe in you
like a mold in her brain
the feeling keeps her away
from all she needs so badly
Years later, she cries at nothing
on the train into the city
only the sight of another daughter
smiling unafraid
without the holes in her brain
If only
If only...
You don't understand
this can't be shed
this can't be molted
or separated
from blood
it's in this house
it's like air
it's like skin
it's everywhere
I know that you're so scared
I know you've got nowhere
to feel like you belong
and I know you feel so all alone
but I'm waiting for you
I know that you're so scared
I know you've got nowhere
to feel like you belong
and I know you feel so all alone
but I'm waiting for you
I know that you're so scared
I know you've got nowhere
to feel like you belong
and I know you feel so all alone
but I'm waiting for you.
But there's no way
to get this message through time
every day she
dies a little more inside
and I sit here
waiting for the guilt to die
I wish I could tell myself
someday she'd make it out
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15. |
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September
just wanting it to end
remember
the way you watched me
when I said
I could never be what you expected
I'd rather be dead
September
losing friends
You used to say
I had to figure out my own truth
I could never see it through
but when I got home
from the hospital
I knew exactly what to do
Forever
best friends
just like we always said
frightened girls
just trying to live life
outside their heads
but then your patience
wore too thin
and I could not pretend
by November
we never spoke again.
When we met I'd already given up
shitty punk and black label
as if it was enough
caught in the uncertainty of blood
confusing gentleness at last
with love
Together
we'd make it out alive, we said
beacons shining bright
across the internet
plans were tentatively made
but there were rifts we couldn't mend
ever wondering if we could last
as friends
Moving twice a year
and never looking back
wondering if this is all I'll ever have
counting change for food
and thinking day by day
tried to cross the border to see you
but got turned away
I think about the way
we caused each other so much pain
and my obsession with always
needing an escape
but even when things got so bad
I thought I'd run away
there was a comfort
knowing things
would never be the same.
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16. |
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If I could become
a stranger to this place
once again
I would hide between the years
and live there
but in the present day
the entropy remains
every time I find a home
I just want to run away
[...] The way the sun hits
the corners of my room
it reminds me of a dream I had
of a world where i was still afraid
but where I also belonged
deep in the sunlit cracks
in the pavement
sometimes, late at night
I look up the names
of the things that were done to me
and I try to imagine them
slithering through my blood
coiled around my DNA
And on the bus to somewhere else
I felt like a wasted stray
run away forget it all again
and disappear
aching longing for a lifetime
from someone else's mind
can I be someone else
and I leave this all behind?
The cold Vancouver rain
I don't know who to blame
for the hole
that i feel inside my brain
is there a way to feel
like I can be something
more than this
a rusted-out carcass
of the dreams
that I still remember
take me back
I want to know
what safety feels like
I was supposed to be a person
I was supposed to be
a fucking person
they asked me what I wanted to be
but I didn't know
I couldn't know
they made me forget
I still don't know
sometimes I feel like a wasp egg
parasitizing a beautiful insect
hatching into a fungus,
a rare bird,
a silk thread that reaches
all the way up into the sky
There's nothing here for me
and I just keep staring at the sky
I hate everything I am
oh god please let me die
I remember feeling something
like hope before the end
I want to start again...
Why does everyone
feel so far away?
I don't understand
what I am anymore.
And in the light
I can see myself
in a different life
******* ** *** ****
It was so long ago
it was so long ago...
it was so long
ago
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17. |
||||
(katie)
i'll find my hope in starting over
build my heart from little bits of rubble
stay with me in everlasting silence
someday i'll find my four leaf clover
maybe i'm most comfortable in struggle
all the world to come is stuck inside us
(rook)
we're made of broken wires
and rusted armor
we've fallen many times
but still hold together
and though we never knew
who we could have been
we use what we have to get by
and help each other survive
fragments of a world forgotten
grown over in our souls
all these walls that still confine us
the distance and the
cold touch of knowing
the reasons that we're close
will they forever define us?
can we help each other grow?
a clover sprouting through the snow
we're made of broken wires
and rusted armor
we've fallen many times
but still hold together
and though we never knew
who we could have been
we use what we have to get by
and help each other survive
we're made of broken wires
and rusted armor
we've fallen many times
but still hold together
and though we never knew
what we could have been
we use what we have to get by
and help each other survive
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18. |
An Ocean
03:46
|
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Another day, it hasn't changed
no matter how close I get
I still feel so far away
I try to be brave, try to stay
another night, it hasn't changed
but I keep it contained
This is an
an ocean
this moment
an ocean
everything we worked so hard for
we bled out our hearts for
Another song, it still hurts
I can't tell if it's helping
or making it worse
at first, I thought I knew myself
but it's so hard to tell
there's no easy way out of hell
This is an
an ocean
this moment
an ocean
everything we worked so hard for
we bled out our hearts for
This is an ocean of dead time
This is an
an ocean
this moment
an ocean
everything we worked so hard for
we bled out our hearts for
Is this all we deserve?
Is this all we deserve?
All we deserve...
Is this all?
Is this all?
Is this all we deserve?
This moment,
this moment,
this moment,
an ocean
|
Ada Rook Toronto, Ontario
im rook from black dresses
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