1. |
faraway
01:18
|
|||
by the time you hear this
i'll be somewhere far away
i'd rather not say it at all
but these memories have to burn
they are the fuel that will get me home
the words i will use to summon them
are not sacred, or cherished
they are parts of me
that have seized up and died
i have no sympathy
i have no admiration, respect
for my own dead stories
but they have to leave my body somehow
as i have to leave the blood and decay
it's all around me, it's in my lungs
i've breathed it all my life
without knowing, without showing it
without any knowledge at all
of what it meant to feel
to feel
to feel
alive
|
||||
2. |
sardonica
03:27
|
|||
***I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR: A GIRL DIED HERE***
though you won't remember it
you are a cannibal, you murder indirectly
and you shine bright
you are the reason we live in fear
down here where no one can save our lives
we cross a line
you know
you kill
she has nobody and now you have destroyed her
you leave her suicidal so she cannot "ruin lives"
we only want to survive
she has nobody and now you have destroyed her
she's never coming back
you keep her trapped in fear
she's gone away from here
though her body hasn't left yet
she lives inside the death she's carried with her this far
but things don't end here
this is a cycle that will not break
and you refuse to observe its shape
i want to heal
so you want to kill me
my soul is flawless and pure
can you still tell who i am?
you're one of us now.
|
||||
3. |
deep fantasy
04:11
|
|||
i put myself out in the open for you to take
i dream of someone ripping my whole self away
i disregard the precautions, i want to break
it feels so fucking good to resign myself, i'm prey
i am not something that survives
in this broken world
my soul is dead behind my eyes
a damaged hollow girl
this night is final and serene
i want to be noticed, maliciously seen
i feel a shadow behind me, i feel so frail
i want to try to get away and i want to fail
i am not something that survives
in this broken world
my soul is dead behind my eyes
a damaged hollow girl
i've told you everything
this place is not my home
i want to be somebody else
i want a brand new soul
i'm not myself
i want to kill the parts of me that cause pain
i see the lurking disgust hidden in your face
i am not something that survives
in this broken world
my soul is dead behind my eyes
a damaged hollow girl
i've told you everything
this place is not my home
i want to be somebody else
i want a brand new soul
|
||||
4. |
abyss55199794
04:40
|
|||
i felt the colors of the death that i held in me
i thought of you and knew that i had to die to help you
all of the healing and recovery gone, not real
the future disappeared and i couldn't breathe, kill me please
i was a rotten contagious thing leeching out your life
necrotic, blackened, decaying, drawn out by your kindness
you shouldn't love me
i was a puncture wound in your perfect world
i was everything that ever caused you hurt
i was a rotten contagious thing leeching out your life
necrotic, blackened, decaying, drawn out by your kindness
i was a sickness that couldn't die though i needed to
immortal hollow abyss of festering malady
you shouldn't love me
but here we are
|
||||
5. |
moth
04:28
|
|||
and in the daylight i collapsed
in the distance between what i knew
and what i knew had passed
i felt the blood and the skin
upon the backs of my hands
i couldn't see them as my own
and i lay in the cold
let go
i think about those years
time spent in fear
i'm glad that you're not here
i wanna make that clear
who did you think you were to me?
a pleasant memory?
can't you see
you ruined me
and in the evening i'm alone
where is home?
it's really not that bad
given what i had
but the feeling hasn't gone away
and to this day
i don't quite understand
why it felt so bad
i can count the ways that i know
why it felt like hell
but i always feel like i'm alone
a feeble misconstructed histrionic shell
i cannot remember all those years
they're not here
somewhere locked away
who's to say
what you meant when you touched me
i can barely hold that memory
without feeling guilt consume me
but i guess i was lucky
that you wanted me to be somebody
and maybe you were just lonely
i'll never know
i'll never know.
i think about those years
a life spent in fear
i'm glad that you're not here
look, i wanna make that clear
who did you think you were to me?
a pleasant memory?
can't you see?
you ruined me
i think about those years
time spent in fear
you're not here.
|
||||
6. |
im so near here
02:27
|
|||
it's an experiment for me
to test the inside of my head
distances that i can see
it's so easy to be dead
i'm so dead
dead
it's all i ever seem to be
when we're alone and i'm in here
distances where i can be
somewhere far away but here
i'm so near here
near here
|
||||
7. |
broken grace
03:48
|
|||
my body's made of spaces
that i can't fill with memories
the rotting sectioned off and quarantined
from what i need to be
i'm moving faster now than i can ever recall
and i can barely see
i need to get away, i need to get away
as long as you can remember me
i've become
something that you resent but you don't know it yet
i am a creature made of bile and regret
i am a dying wish, i am a bleeding fist
i am my own bad dreams that you put in my head
i've become what you resent, but you don't know what it is
i am a creature made of everything you did
i am a self-made half-alive specter
of the spark of life you tried to kill but couldn't
my thoughts are made of spaces that i can't fill with who i am
the deafening and repetitive interruptions of those years keep coming back
the only thing i can use is my momentum to break through to what i need
forget the present, let dissociation save me from this dead reality
i'm made of
what you never told me was wrong so i never believed
that there was anything genuinely wrong with me
i cannot tell you my name, i cannot show you my face
i wanna burn the memory of me right out of your brain
i don't know what i am
i always wondered what i'd feel in the end
i can become what i fear the most
stuck in what i couldn't become, trapped by what i know
you make me feel like there's no hope
when i'm around you i am all alone
and nothing will ever change
if i don't run away
i've become what you resent but you don't know it yet
i am a creature made of bile and regret
i am a dying wish, i am a bleeding fist
i am my own bad dreams that you put in my head
i've become what you resent but you don't know what it is
i am a creature made of everything you did
i am a self-made half-alive specter
of the spark of life you tried to kill but couldn't
i'm alive in your world
i'm a broken little girl
i am everything i need
stay away from me.
|
||||
8. |
716
03:44
|
|||
i wanna be something i'm not
i wanna pretend i forgot how to be good to you
but i was there the whole time
i didn't even lose my mind
i miss you so fucking much
but there's nothing to be done
i miss you so fucking much
there's nothing i could ever say
i didn't deserve you
all i ever did was hurt you
but i still miss you
i still feel so fucked up
and things are better now
but i still feel like i am lost somehow
and we can never speak again
but i know there is nothing to be said
i've hurt you quite enough
and out of all my old regrets
the one that hurts the most
is what i said to you
when you were drowning
because of me
it wasn't your fault
it wasn't your fault
it wasn't your fault.
|
||||
9. |
decayer
04:09
|
|||
safety
death
safety
decay
closing
i feel misconstructed today
i remember nothing and it's beautiful
the pieces shine
and i can't see anything
I CAN'T SEE
BUT I CAN FEEL YOU
I CAN'T SEE
BUT I CAN FEEL YOU ALL AROUND ME
oh god i missed this feeling
has it been so long?
it feels like years ago
since i've been here
i'm awake, floating here
and i know
this is not the truth
i cannot see anything
but i know
you're out there
sickening
i was just a child
i feel the damage
from those haunted years
can you see me?
can you see my shadow?
can you even see
what you did to me?
if i could be myself
I CAN'T SEE
if i could stop myself
BUT I CAN FEEL YOU
if i could leave myself
I CAN'T SEE
if i could kill myself
BUT I CAN FEEL YOU ALL AROUND ME
safety
death.
|
||||
10. |
||||
i can be anything
that you would need me to be
just say the word
and i will break myself trying
is it so wrong
to want a sense of security?
i would give up everything
to see myself clearly
i can be anything i want
but i don't know who i am
i can be anything i want
|
||||
11. |
void fantasy
04:13
|
|||
at the end of this
i hope
something falls away
you'll forget everything you saw here
today
today, i know
i know who i was meant to be
before she died here
cold blood, cold heart, cold everything
a life flickering
i want to get out
i need to get out of here
i am not something that survives
in my fantasies
but in this place i am alive
though it hurts to be
my soul is dim, my mind is burnt
my body functions desperately
i want to be somebody else
but i want you to know me
i want to get out
i need to get out of here
i am not something that survives
in my fantasies
but in this place i am alive
though it hurts to be
my soul is dim, my mind is burnt
my body functions desperately
i want to be somebody else
but i want you to know me
|
||||
12. |
thirteen
04:48
|
|||
THERE'S NO SELF
there's no perfect answer
THERE'S NO LIGHT
there is only the cold
THERE'S NO OTHER WAY
THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING IN MY MIND
obsession with the soul
THERE IS NOTHING HERE INSIDE ME
THERE IS ONLY WHAT I LEFT BEHIND
I AM HOLLOW
i used to burn at the sight of you
a cinder crumbling in your gaze
but then i greyed and scattered
years of living with what didn't change
it's all i can do
to force the air out of my throat and into shapes
drawn in the sand of what i know
to ensure it doesn't fade
THERE IS NOTHING HERE INSIDE ME
THERE IS ONLY WHAT I LEFT BEHIND
I AM HOLLOW
i want this feeling to die
i want out of here
belief in safety is lost
and there is only fear
I WAS JUST A CHILD BUT I REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID TO ME.
|
||||
13. |
are you my sister
04:18
|
|||
i hope one day you'll forgive me
i'm so disgusted by the way i treated you
and all this angst and practiced whimsy
doesn't change the fact that you're a person too
i wanna say what happened
was the end result of being sick and scared
but that isn't fair
i'd be lying if i told you i just tried my best
cause that's a fucking dirty lie
i dug a hole and pushed you in and left you there
i'm sorry
i fucked up
i killed all of your trust
i'm sorry
i'm weak
and scared
and you don't owe me anything.
it's true that i still miss you
it's true that i can never say i've changed
without being vain
and if you ever hear this
i just hope that you're still dreaming
oh there's nothing i can say to make it better
i just hope that you're okay
i'm sorry
for this
i need to feel this
there is nothing left to do
there is nothing left to say
except:
i miss you.
i'm sorry
i fucked up
i killed all of your trust
i'm sorry
i'm weak
and scared
and you don't owe me anything.
|
Ada Rook Toronto, Ontario
im rook from black dresses
Streaming and Download help
If you like Ada Rook, you may also like:
Bandcamp Daily your guide to the world of Bandcamp